I walk into the club like “Oh my God ZAYN STOP GRINDING ON LIAM.” “NIALL FIVE PINTS IS ENOUGH AND IT IS IMPOLITE TO CALL THE BARTENDER A CUNT WHEN SHE CUTS YOU OFF.” “HARRY. AND. LOUIS. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WHEN YOU ARRIVED HERE YOU WERE WEARING MORE CLOTHES THAN THAT—WHY ARE YOU WALKING INTO THE SAME TOILET?!”

My name is Paul.

My job is the joke.

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